Temporarily Gone, Hopefully not Forgotten?

To listen to this post, visit Darryn’s Podcast: Wild Heart Coven

Yeah, so, ugh, it’s been a while (cue the awkward hug and look of shame). I’m honestly too afraid to even look at the last time I posted on my blog, but I promise it’s not because I didn’t want to be spending precious energy into this passion project of mine. It’s because I was up to some really tolling matters that just drained me of all of my energy, some good, some bad.

2017 was a very difficult year as I was diagnosed with PTSD after experiencing a sexual traumatic event. It’s taken over 2 years for me to even have the courage to seek professional help to address my trauma. For my fellow horror fans, you know that face Pennywise makes right before he’s about to swallow a precious, innocent child? When his mouth becomes the size of a small planet and just grasps his prey in one bite? That is literally and metaphorically the way my brain processes trauma: swallow, bury, hide. And most important, pretend like *everything* is okay. You know, put on that exhausting facade to the world so they’re not aware of the terrible night terrors you have on a nightly basis. The fear you feel on a daily basis, wondering if you’ll be violated again. The panic when anxiety takes over and you can’t even understand what triggered this anguish. The depression is the hardest because you have to muster the strength to do your part in like, you know, earning a paycheck, so my solution was to do more. I wanted to take on more clients, I wanted more duties, I wanted to take the lead on more projects. I literally wanted to do anything but the work, because the work is fucking hard.

When I began my clinical practicum in 2019, it was very apparent that in adjusting to my new role as a therapist, I had to face the unresolved issues of my past. Being a clinician, I have the resources, but being human, I still feared that I wasn’t ready to confront the trauma. Since my practicum hours mostly comprised of working with children, I had to get creative in helping kids understand their emotions, how they start in the body, and how to cope in the future. One day, I decided to incorporate What Do You Do With a Problem by Kobi Yamada, and the story is about how it’s more comfortable for us to sit with a problem, even though sitting with it causes dis-ease within our body, producing stress, anxiety, depression, physical pain, illness, emotional dysregulation, mood changes, etc. By sitting with the problem, the problem grows, and is illustrated as this disoriented, vast, all encompassing cloud of darkness to represent the problem.

Plot twist! The theme to this book which was coincidentally the theme of my life as a person with PTSD, is that when we find the courage to face our problem, we find ourselves in a place of growth. And it is uncomfortable, and triggering, and unsettling and painful. The classic cliche “It gets worse before it gets better” will be your mantra, but have faith that it will get better once you breakthrough and address that problem, and analyze the emotional impact it’s taking on your mind and body. At this point, consciously release yourself from its pain. Thank the trauma for its lesson and reminder of your resiliency and strength, but know it’s time to step back into your power, as this event doesn’t have agency over you anymore.

Now that I thoroughly clarified that leave of absence, I am happy to be back and appreciate your support more than ever. I’ve been redirected to embark on a tremendous spiritual journey, so in addition to having a shiny, new master’s degree in mental health counseling, I am now also a Reiki practitioner and studying to become a Reiki Master. Was I insane to do this the last year of grad school where I was working more than full-time, and completing my practicum for clinical hours? Understatement! Was it necessary and needed for me to finally understand why I experienced that trauma? Yes! I am incredibly blessed to be in a space to provide professional healing to others, and encourage you to check out my revamped website that now focuses on my Reiki and energy healing services. I look forward to sharing more resources and hope to be a resource for you for all your wellness and energy needs!

I promise I’ll be back in less than 3 years this time 😉

-Darryn

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